Jokes Thread: Add any you have

[MIKEE HUSSLA]

This is a story about a couple who had been

happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the

husband's habit of farting loudly every morning

when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife

and the smell would make her eyes water and

make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to

stop ripping them off because it was making

her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it

and that it was perfectly natural. She told

him to see a doctor; she was concerned that

one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out.

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was

preparing the turkey for dinner and he was

upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl

where she had put the turkey innards and neck,

gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a

malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where

her husband was sound asleep and, gently

pulling back the bed covers, she pulled

back the elastic waistband of his underpants

and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his

shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken

with his usual trumpeting which was followed

by a blood curdling scream and the sound of

frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as

she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in

her eyes! After years of torture she

reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came

downstairs in his bloodstained underpants

with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was

the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right.

All these years you have warned me and I

didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well,

you always told me that one day I would end

up farting my guts out, and today it finally

happened. But by the grace of God,

some Vaseline, and these two fingers,

I think I got most of them back in.

[Misdemeanor]

LMFAO

class!

[Misdemeanor]

not sure if this will upload

[Misdemeanor]

all about the office forwards today.....getting loads!


Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk
> >
> > Innovative
> >
> > Preliminary
> >
> > Proliferation
> >
> > Cinnamon
> >
> > Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:
> >
> > Specificity
> >
> > British Constitution
> >
> > Passive-aggressive disorder
> >
> > Transubstantiate
> >
> > Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:
> >
> > Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you
> >
> > Nope, no more booze for me
> >
> > Sorry, but you're not really my type
> >
> > No kebab for me, thank you
> >
> > Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
> >
> > I'm not interested in fighting you.
> >
> > Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing
> >
> > No, I wont make any attempt to dance thanks, I have zero
> > co-ordination.
> >

[O-DoG]

i don't know any polite jokes :(

[Misdemeanor]

so post the dirty ones then!

[O-DoG]

how many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

depends how hard you throw em

[azonica]

Whats Blue and Shags Grannies......






























Me in my Lucky Blue Coat :badteeth:

[O-DoG]

what do anal sex and spinach have in common?

if you're forced to have it when you're a child you won't like it when you're older

[Gem]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What
does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your knee."

[BAZ]

What do you call a blonde stood on her head?

A brunette with bad breath.:confused: :confused:

[BAZ]

Passenger jet is flying over the gulf 1 day.

Captain> "fuck me, There's a bloke outside the window on a flying carpet"

Pilot> "Yes, there's 1 my side an all"

Captain> "Don't worry, I think they're Allied.

[Jibba]

There are three guys drinking in a pub, when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while he approaches the group of lads, and, pointing at the one in the middle shouts 'I've shagged your mum!' The other two guys look bewildered as the man resumes his drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back and yells at the middle guy again 'Your mum's sucked my cock!'. And then goes back to his drink. The same thing happens, ten minutes later he's back again and announces 'Oi! I've had your mum up the arse!'. Finally the guy in the middle stands up and shouts, 'Look, Dad, you're pissed, now bugger off home'.

[BAZ]

NEWS FLASH.........

Scientists have found the cure for HIV, Thier remarkable test results found the cure to be lip balm.
DR Smith states "If you put lots of lip balm around the poo hole, It keeps the chaps away".
:eek: :eek:

[Mikee Merge n C]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
:D

[Mikee Merge n C]

What's the name of that useless piece of skin around a vagina?

























A woman.
:funk:

[Jibba]

Why shouldn't you fuck a midget with learning difficulties?






















Coz its not big and its not clever! :rolleyes:

[Samas UK]

Whats brown and sticky?









































A Stick.

[Samas UK]

What do rudebwoy eskimos say?


Inuit!

[Jibba]

What does 'The sixth sense' and 'Titanic' have in common?























I C dead people!

[Mantmast]

What did the woman on the beach say to Michael Jackson?














"Excuse me, but you're in my son"

[Jay Stonerz MC]

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast and the mime artist next door went fuckin mental.

[Sneaky]

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert, wandering aimlessly.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when
all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw
bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double
smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can
imagine!!


"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun
opens
up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his
dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree.... ......... Ees..... Ees..... Ees.....




















Ees, a Ham Bush"
:D